Tuesday, March 14, 2006
First Night
7:58 PM
I'm breathless with anticipation...and actually watched the horrible Kimberly Caldwell from Season 2 interview rabid AI fans on the TV Guide Channel. I've got a glass of Pinot Noir, my computer, and a half-baked plan to sort of live blog the First Night of American Idol. Stay tuned...
8:00 PM - top of show
Ryan Seacrest is decked out in a gayboy 80s suit. Fancy! "aMERican Idol!" he screams. Here we go...
YES. It's Stevie Wonder night, there are 1,000 lights on the stage, and the kids in the audience are waving their handmade signs. During the retrospective of the contestants' journey, I can't help notice that Sack's small bangs are actually better than the crewcut he started out with.
Oh God, here they come parading onto the stage, freshly styled. Kellie's sporting a touch of class, Bucky's blowout is terrifying, Lisa has extensions, and small tiny bangs are coiffed up into a Clay Aiken-esque point (they are even dyed a reddish color).
Does Paula Abdul look more like a wax figurine than usual, or is it just me? She breaks it down by saying the Top 12 is "well-diversed." Hmmm.
The Stevie Wonder retrospective (if you're keeping score, that's retrospective #2) is good, especially the clip of him singing "I Just Called to Say I Love You" into what looks like a Swatch phone. He says about AI: "it brings lots of people together in the spirit of song." True dat.
Ace is first, cries a little talking about Stevie. His hair is looking more and more like Constantine's. Gross. When he sings, he does the boy band breathe out between every phrase. His performance is not so good, but he has the awe-inspiring confidence of a hot person, so it's tolerable. A shot of brother Deuce! Sweet.
I'll stop here by saying that each contestant gets an obligatory pre-song pointless retrospective and an inane post-song Ryan Seacrest interview. These elements add about 1 hour and 20 minutes to the show. Thanks, FOX! Like I have nothing better to do.
Anyway, judges like Ace kind of and Simon starts with his crowd-insulting by saying that they are "easy to please". Love it.
A thought crosses my mind: do I start voting this week? Decisions, decisions.
8:14 PM - first commercial break
We are back with the newly classed-up Kayleee (it's only polite to pronounce a person's name as they themselves do). She looks like she can't breathe or walk. Which is really cutting down her skill set. She sings a boring song, in tune for once, and I actually thought it wasn't so bad. The judges like her shoes. 'Nuf said.
Next we have the excellent Elliott (Yasmine Teeth), who has sung pretty damn well...until tonight. He resembles David Byrne in the "Burning Down the House" video. He sings a beauty of a Stevie song, "Knocks Me Off My Feet," but delivers it in a weird high pitch. He's nervous. He cried when he met Stevie. AW! Judges say he was nervous, not his best but good, blah, boring.
Mandisa (jazz hands!) next.
8:29 PM - second commercial break
Ryan takes off Mandisa's shoes for her, which is necessary because her poor plump feet were struggling to break free of her bedazzled strappy spike-heeled sandals of death. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
She sings, she screams, she kicks ass. She is large, she is lovely. Judges love her. Welcome to the Top 5, Mandisa!
Seacrest: "Next, Bucky gets superstitious!" Christ.
8:38 PM - third commercial break
The Buckster states that he has never listened to Stevie Wonder. When I come to, he is singing one of Stevie's greatest hits, "Superstitious." WTF! His hair is all Breck-girled out. He is grunty. He does a weird squat dance when he sings, which I will christen the "Number Two." He ends it with a strange Michael Jackson-esque dance move thing with a pointed finger in the air and the judges like him sort of. Simon says his hair looks like Jessica Simpson. Bahhh haa ha!
Another break? WTF?
8:48 PM- fourth commerical break
Melissa strolls out in a dress, sporting blond streaks like everyone else except Taylor. More on that later.
She flubs the lyrics to "Lately" in front of Stevie Wonder, then does it again on stage. Funny, though, that she remembers this part of the song: "'cause this time could mean goodbye." Goodbye Melissa!
8:59 PM - fifth commercial break
Lisa, looking like a tiny, young version of Rae Dawn Chong, sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered," arguably one of the best songs of all time, and manages to make it sound like a death dirge. She is cute, so she'll be fine, but I was not impressed. Kick it up a notch, girl!
9:08 PM - sixth commercial break
Stop. Sack Time! Holy shit he is singing "Part Time Lover." NFW. Not only is that not the best song in general (super 80s), but it includes the repetition of the word lover about a thousand times. Noooooooo! He says that he is going to "give it a little sexy feel." Excuse, me, I have to run to the bathroom.
I finish barfing just as he finishes up. Randy's laughter can be heard through the final bars. They laugh and Simon says he was appalling. Why does America keep a sack in the competition every year? Really, it's cruel. Put the poor thing out of his misery.
9:19 PM - seventh commercial break
Here comes the lovely and talented Katharine, one of my picks for Top 5. She looks like she's wearing a silver paper towel roll, but her skin is so blindingly perfect that it doesn't really matter. She totally kicks ass as she sings "Until You Come Back to Me." She rocks, I love her, what the hell else is there to say? Oh yeah, judges love her too.
Taylor next - oh happy day!
9:29 PM - eighth commercial break
Taylor, hair cut to resemble Michael Keaton from Family Ties, takes the stage. He sings "Living for the City," screaming, yelping, shaking, punching the air, almost falling down. It's great. He does a little rotato dance where he punches the air with both hands as he spins around. Love it.
Judges love it too, Ryan asks him if the stylists want to dye his hair. No! Then, R kids and suggests blond streaks (everyone, even Mandisa, has them).
Thank GOD, no break, and we go right into Paris. She is looking cute (although a little choked by her pink lace turtlneck) and is looking her age (16). She performs really well, is fun, sings great, blah blah. She's in Top 5. The best thing about Paris is that she sings through Ryan's pointless interview. Go girl!
9:44 PM - final commercial break
Chris "D" is up and he says that he never knew that Stevie Wonder sang "Higher Ground" and that he thought it was a Red Hot Chili Peppers original. I start to hate him. He sings this song, and the band is freaking out with obnoxious Metallica-esque guitar solos drowning out CD's screamy singing. I like CD, I do, but he's getting a little boring for me - everything he sings sounds the same. But, he could win the whole thing...and I do like to see him rock a wallet chain. His sssssideburns, however, are hideoussssss. They look like esses.
Judges love him of course and say: "Thank God for Chris." I say: "Thank God the show is over."
I've decided I'm not voting because I have faith that natural selection will take care of Kevin (Sack), Melissa, and Bucky in Weeks 1-3. Then I may have to start voting.
Predictions for Top 5:
Chris
Katharine
Paris
Taylor
Mandisa
Please send your predictions.
Can I go to bed now?
I'm breathless with anticipation...and actually watched the horrible Kimberly Caldwell from Season 2 interview rabid AI fans on the TV Guide Channel. I've got a glass of Pinot Noir, my computer, and a half-baked plan to sort of live blog the First Night of American Idol. Stay tuned...
8:00 PM - top of show
Ryan Seacrest is decked out in a gayboy 80s suit. Fancy! "aMERican Idol!" he screams. Here we go...
YES. It's Stevie Wonder night, there are 1,000 lights on the stage, and the kids in the audience are waving their handmade signs. During the retrospective of the contestants' journey, I can't help notice that Sack's small bangs are actually better than the crewcut he started out with.
Oh God, here they come parading onto the stage, freshly styled. Kellie's sporting a touch of class, Bucky's blowout is terrifying, Lisa has extensions, and small tiny bangs are coiffed up into a Clay Aiken-esque point (they are even dyed a reddish color).
Does Paula Abdul look more like a wax figurine than usual, or is it just me? She breaks it down by saying the Top 12 is "well-diversed." Hmmm.
The Stevie Wonder retrospective (if you're keeping score, that's retrospective #2) is good, especially the clip of him singing "I Just Called to Say I Love You" into what looks like a Swatch phone. He says about AI: "it brings lots of people together in the spirit of song." True dat.
Ace is first, cries a little talking about Stevie. His hair is looking more and more like Constantine's. Gross. When he sings, he does the boy band breathe out between every phrase. His performance is not so good, but he has the awe-inspiring confidence of a hot person, so it's tolerable. A shot of brother Deuce! Sweet.
I'll stop here by saying that each contestant gets an obligatory pre-song pointless retrospective and an inane post-song Ryan Seacrest interview. These elements add about 1 hour and 20 minutes to the show. Thanks, FOX! Like I have nothing better to do.
Anyway, judges like Ace kind of and Simon starts with his crowd-insulting by saying that they are "easy to please". Love it.
A thought crosses my mind: do I start voting this week? Decisions, decisions.
8:14 PM - first commercial break
We are back with the newly classed-up Kayleee (it's only polite to pronounce a person's name as they themselves do). She looks like she can't breathe or walk. Which is really cutting down her skill set. She sings a boring song, in tune for once, and I actually thought it wasn't so bad. The judges like her shoes. 'Nuf said.
Next we have the excellent Elliott (Yasmine Teeth), who has sung pretty damn well...until tonight. He resembles David Byrne in the "Burning Down the House" video. He sings a beauty of a Stevie song, "Knocks Me Off My Feet," but delivers it in a weird high pitch. He's nervous. He cried when he met Stevie. AW! Judges say he was nervous, not his best but good, blah, boring.
Mandisa (jazz hands!) next.
8:29 PM - second commercial break
Ryan takes off Mandisa's shoes for her, which is necessary because her poor plump feet were struggling to break free of her bedazzled strappy spike-heeled sandals of death. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.
She sings, she screams, she kicks ass. She is large, she is lovely. Judges love her. Welcome to the Top 5, Mandisa!
Seacrest: "Next, Bucky gets superstitious!" Christ.
8:38 PM - third commercial break
The Buckster states that he has never listened to Stevie Wonder. When I come to, he is singing one of Stevie's greatest hits, "Superstitious." WTF! His hair is all Breck-girled out. He is grunty. He does a weird squat dance when he sings, which I will christen the "Number Two." He ends it with a strange Michael Jackson-esque dance move thing with a pointed finger in the air and the judges like him sort of. Simon says his hair looks like Jessica Simpson. Bahhh haa ha!
Another break? WTF?
8:48 PM- fourth commerical break
Melissa strolls out in a dress, sporting blond streaks like everyone else except Taylor. More on that later.
She flubs the lyrics to "Lately" in front of Stevie Wonder, then does it again on stage. Funny, though, that she remembers this part of the song: "'cause this time could mean goodbye." Goodbye Melissa!
8:59 PM - fifth commercial break
Lisa, looking like a tiny, young version of Rae Dawn Chong, sings "Signed, Sealed, Delivered," arguably one of the best songs of all time, and manages to make it sound like a death dirge. She is cute, so she'll be fine, but I was not impressed. Kick it up a notch, girl!
9:08 PM - sixth commercial break
Stop. Sack Time! Holy shit he is singing "Part Time Lover." NFW. Not only is that not the best song in general (super 80s), but it includes the repetition of the word lover about a thousand times. Noooooooo! He says that he is going to "give it a little sexy feel." Excuse, me, I have to run to the bathroom.
I finish barfing just as he finishes up. Randy's laughter can be heard through the final bars. They laugh and Simon says he was appalling. Why does America keep a sack in the competition every year? Really, it's cruel. Put the poor thing out of his misery.
9:19 PM - seventh commercial break
Here comes the lovely and talented Katharine, one of my picks for Top 5. She looks like she's wearing a silver paper towel roll, but her skin is so blindingly perfect that it doesn't really matter. She totally kicks ass as she sings "Until You Come Back to Me." She rocks, I love her, what the hell else is there to say? Oh yeah, judges love her too.
Taylor next - oh happy day!
9:29 PM - eighth commercial break
Taylor, hair cut to resemble Michael Keaton from Family Ties, takes the stage. He sings "Living for the City," screaming, yelping, shaking, punching the air, almost falling down. It's great. He does a little rotato dance where he punches the air with both hands as he spins around. Love it.
Judges love it too, Ryan asks him if the stylists want to dye his hair. No! Then, R kids and suggests blond streaks (everyone, even Mandisa, has them).
Thank GOD, no break, and we go right into Paris. She is looking cute (although a little choked by her pink lace turtlneck) and is looking her age (16). She performs really well, is fun, sings great, blah blah. She's in Top 5. The best thing about Paris is that she sings through Ryan's pointless interview. Go girl!
9:44 PM - final commercial break
Chris "D" is up and he says that he never knew that Stevie Wonder sang "Higher Ground" and that he thought it was a Red Hot Chili Peppers original. I start to hate him. He sings this song, and the band is freaking out with obnoxious Metallica-esque guitar solos drowning out CD's screamy singing. I like CD, I do, but he's getting a little boring for me - everything he sings sounds the same. But, he could win the whole thing...and I do like to see him rock a wallet chain. His sssssideburns, however, are hideoussssss. They look like esses.
Judges love him of course and say: "Thank God for Chris." I say: "Thank God the show is over."
I've decided I'm not voting because I have faith that natural selection will take care of Kevin (Sack), Melissa, and Bucky in Weeks 1-3. Then I may have to start voting.
Predictions for Top 5:
Chris
Katharine
Paris
Taylor
Mandisa
Please send your predictions.
Can I go to bed now?
// posted by mega74 @ 10:26 PM 
